Well today is a day I'll probably blog twice but I kinda need to vent and rant about things that have been going on my mind for a while now. This is one hundred percent on the subject of friendship.
As I was the only one awake at Beans' house last night I ended up reading Mara's blog she wrote late last night. It solely was about her 2 best friends and the things they do together and how happy each one of them makes each other. I started to think if I had that anymore. I know I have friends like that but they're away at college. In high school I'm a bit of an outcast I believe. I do not have a strong group of friends that I can call the BEST friends I have. Truthfully, I'm not sure if a majority of them even consider me a friend, but more of an outreach to help with problems. This thought always gets me emotional and near tears almost every time. Am I just being used?
I have one friend who has been hurt, thrown down, picked back up, been put back down, and has been through a ton in her life. She's made her mistakes like the most of us and will openly admit that. She confided to me at a dinner we had that she was going to make certain decisions in order to keep herself happy and regret free. She was sure of it and told me she was done with that part of her life for a long time. Needless to say, she lied. For 2 weekends and days she's been back at her ways. Has made mistakes, and claims she regrets them. Personally I don't know if I believe her anymore. If you are dead set on something, you cannot go back on your word less than a month later. It is bull shit to me. I lose a lot of sympathy when I am cried to about the decisions she has made as they seem to be on repeat over and over again. The only time I can feel bad are when bad things happen to her that are uncontrollable for her. That is when I can feel for her and help her through the process of recovery to happiness. It's difficult when she makes the decisions over and over again that cause her regrets and sorrow. It is starting to become self destructive and I hope that over time she finds herself and is truly happy. But I'm not sure she is on the right path at the moment.
This is where I start to think, who is my friend? Who just uses me? Who is there for me? Who loves me? I know there are people out there that use me. I know there are people that love me. I know that I have friends. I know this because they are there for me as much as I am for them. When they feel I am upset, they take the time out of there day to shoot me a text and check up on me. They're willing to talk me through my problems. I am forever grateful for those people in my life. I love them endlessly.
The people that act to be my friend are the most frustrating. I feel like I'm never thought of my them although I do everything in my power to be their friend. I feel like I'm just used to be heard out, or as a place to have a large group over to chill and party. I can never pinpoint who these people are because I am not a mind reader, but I'm starting to develop opinions on those who I feel do. I do not hate them. It is wrong to hate. But I feel like the ties of our friendship are becoming looser day by day. They don't exactly care how I feel. I don't think they care enough that I am upset or angry. These people might need out of my life to keep sanity but on the same note, I need them too. They are fun people and a good group of kids. There is nothing wrong with any of them. I just don't know where I stand with them anymore.
I'm sorry for a depressing kind of blog. Hopefully the one tonight after my day is over is a lot more uplifting. I'm going to try to have a good day and be able to talk about it later. I'm going to try to be with my good friends who I know like me for who I am. You readers are people I consider good friends. You might not check up on me every day, but this is kind of a form of hearing me out and hearing my opinions. I am grateful for you guys. Having a blog is a great way to express and let out your thoughts. Having readers is a reassurance that people care about what you have to say. It is a day maker when I get a text saying my blog is good or that they like it. They can turn my whole mood around. I love you guys. I may not know everyone who reads this, but you guys are some of my best friends. You read daily and pretty much listen to my problems. You're happy when my day is good and worried when it is bad. You guys help me get through the day. I love you all.
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