Self Acceptance

It's ironic that our new memory that we have to write about is about a moment that has taught us a lot about ourselves.  Me previous post would have been efficient, but just yesterday I ran into another experience that I learned a lot about myself less than 24 hours ago. 

Yesterday was the wrestle offs for the starting spot of the wrestling team.  My starting spot.  I started the season with a 5-2 record with what my coach says should easily be 7-0.  I had to put my spot up against Jordan Douglas.  The other senior 138 pounder that wants the starting spot as well.  Needless to say, I lost.  The minute I lost I shook his hand and walked out of the room.  I went into the locker room and just sat there with my elbows on my knees thinking how this just happened.  I've worked harder, tried harder, and wanted it more than him.  I've done better in matches, in practice, but in the wrestleoff I lost.  I hated myself in the beginning.  I hated everything.  I wanted to quit and just leave.  I sat there and cried.  I couldn't believe I just lost my starting spot.  I've started  every year since sophomore year and just blew it.  I sat there for the whole entire practice.  I missed everything that day.  2 people came into the locker room while I was there. 

Coach Morosetti just told me it happened.  It sucked.  And that all I can do is improve to get better and want it more.  Coach Johnson told me the same pretty much.  I know they want the best from me.  I know that they want me in the line up.  Coach Johnson gave me the day off as he knew I couldn't go up in that room today.  I showered up and got ready to leave. 

At that time, Dan Bruni and Kenny Scott came into the locker room.  They gave me the best advice out of everyone.  They told me about their high school experiences and losing wrestleoffs as well.  It does suck but it helped me in the end.  It got me thinking again.  In the end it showed me that I wasn't mentally ready.  I have a ton going through my mind and wrestling wasn't number one.  College, and school are coming up in the top of my lists where wrestling needs to be number one for me to be my best.  I know next time I'm going to be learning from my experiences and get my spot back.

My 180

There is a moment in my life that will stick with me forever.  It is the peak of my stupidity and feeling of teenage invincibility and also the most life altering moment of my life.  I think about it every day although it has been months since the incident and I try to reflect and make myself a better person from this mistake.  I got lucky this one time, and I'm making sure that I never get in this situation again.

The picture in my head that I always see is my friend Mo and myself sitting in Mr. McKiernen's office with Mr. Shattuck, two police officers, and our mothers on a Monday night.  We were just about to get breathalyzed under suspiscion of us being under the influence of alcohol on school property.  They were correct.  I remember every minute of this day so vividly.  It actually scares me how well I know the events of this day.  I've never remembered something this well.

I came home from an easy Monday cross country practice, took a nap, and was just prepping for the game.  Mo, Kostial, and I were supposed to eat before the game as it was not wrestling season yet.  I recieved a call from Mo.  I answered expecting to hear Mo, but it was Jon screaming into the phone.  "Crazy Levi! Its Crazy K.  Me and Mo have got Four Loko's with your name on them!"  I chuckled and replied "ok haha I'll see you soon."  I sit in my living room for just a few more minutes.  I laced up my PF Fliers, hopped off the couch, and ran out the door to the car.  The backseat of the SUV I will never enter again. 

We say our "what's up's" and just start to drive down the road.  Immediately Kostial tossed me a large can and told me to drink up.  It was watermelon flavored.  For those who don't know me, I love watermelon.  I looked at Mo and just saw him with his receding hairline and smiling with his West Allegheny Soccer gear.  Kostial has his hair all spiked up with some hockey jacket on.  It was blue and waterproof.  They were laughing singing the Rhianna song we remixed for the occasion: "Cheers to the freakin Monday! I'll drink to that."  We slugged back our drinks and the taste of mine was tremendous.  My favorite flavor of anything.  It tasted like I just bit into a huge watermelon slice.  My mouth tingled from the carbonation and after time my head became light after time.  I was feeling young, wild and free. 

We pulled into the school.  The West Allegheny High School sign was displaying "WA Soccer Senior Night Tonight!"  Everyone was all pumped up.  Kostial drove into the student parking lot where the marching band was practicing for Friday's game against Montour.  We just sat their, continued to drink our colorful cans, and listened to hardcore rap.  We still had about 45 minutes until game time. 

Mo suggests a McDonalds run.  I was feeling good and careless and quickly agreed.  That was big mistake number 1.  We drove 3 minutes down the road and parked in the away from the building because there was more room.  I was starting to feel the alcohol's affect on me after I left the car.  Walking was slightly more difficult but everything else was controlled.  I ran into a big problem.  Tanner's mom was right there.  I try to have a short conversation to avoid a screw up.  (I later found out I seemed very odd and not as normal as I usually was. She was suspiscious of me.)  We go into McDonalds and all ordered the same thing.  Two McDoubles (ketchup only), a hot fudge sundae, and 2 apple pies.  We sat down and finished our meals inside before hanging out.  Back to that damn vehicle I should have never entered. 

We parked in the upper parking lot (mistake number 2) and just sat there until the game was closer to starting finishing our very large cans of alcohol.  We calm down for a little until Mo says: "I'm going to throw up."  This was just the worst possible thing that could have happened.  Mo opens the door and throws up, comes back in, and says "let's go."  We got out of the car and started to walk.  At the exact time,  Mr. Shattuck got out of his truck and shouted to us "How's it going guys?"  I replied "Pretty good.  How about you?" The others kept walking to the game.  He started to walk to the car as we were gaining distance from it.  My heart raced as it was only a matter of time before we were going down hard.  Finally I hear a shout "Levi, could you please come over here?  My heart dropped.

I walked over and was immediately bombarded with questions.  "What's going on?  Who are you with?  Were they drinking?  Were you drinking?  Where did they go?"  I replied quickly "Just going to the soccer game, Mo and his friend Jon, no and no, and They probably went into the game."  I tried to seems sober as possible and kept my mouth low so he couldn't smell my watermelon breath.  He walks me to the car and shows me all the cans in the parking lot the Kostial threw out without us knowing and made me walk to his truck.  I then lied and told him Mo and Jon drank and they picked me up without me knowing what was going on.  He made me walk to his truck and while we walked, Kostial ran to his car, jumped in and turned it on.  Mr. Shattuck immediately ran to the car with me behind him pounding on the windows.  Kostial did not stop, hit Mr. Shattuck with his mirror and drove away.  He faced no punishment in the end, but I knew that Mo and I were screwed.

I was forced to call Mo and get him to meet me with Mr. Shattuck.  When Mo was questioned, he answered truthfully but never said I did anything wrong.  We then had to walk into Mr. McKiernen's office as we waited for the police officer.  While waiting we called our parents to come get us for after the matter as we were not allowed to go back to the game.  When the officer appeared, I knew that I had to stop lying.  I admitted to everything and accepted my fate.  Mo and I were both breathalyzed and blew identical BAC's.  .094.  I couldnt believe I allowed myself to get this bad.  I was not just embarrassed.  I was disappointed in myself beyond all belief.  They explained to us the consequences of our action and that we will be recieving letters in the mail soon.  I saw Mo crying.  This was his second underage.  I stayed strong as reality has yet to hit me.  Everything was good until the ride home. 

I got home and sat in my room and thought.  I did not cry, but I sat there and thought about every possible situation.  I was scared of every consequence.  Detention, fines, community service, just everything was scary.  I then started to think about myself.  I realized there is no one to blame but me.  I needed to change my ways.  I've been easily influenced and I need to make sure I don't make the same mistake again.  This was my 180 in life.  Since then, I've been clean, denied every opportunity I have had to drink, and have been doing all of my court ordered work.  My life is changed completely.  I feel like a better person in life now.  People look at me differently in 2 ways.  Some people won't forget about the underage, other people have decided to accept the new me and treat me just the same.  I feel like my life is for the better.

Days on Repeat

Life is becomming more and more boring.  It seems like I'm living the same day over and over again.  Wake up, school, wrestling practice, home, sleep.  Every day for 5 days a week.  Its beyond tiring.  There seems to be no excitement anymore.  Christmas is soon and the only thing I can think of is going to a wrestling tournament two days later.   My mind is locked on making weight.  I've started to give less regards to school like every year, ignore what my family needs, and generally forget about the others around me.  I need things to change before I practically become a zombie on a timer.  This weekend would be a big help.  Just hanging with a few friends I haven't seen in a while would be enough.  I just can't sit at home and sleep and recover like every weekend.  I'll take the soreness for an elongated time in order just to get out of this rut. 

Hopefully this break will help me out.  I'll try to catch up with a few friends coming home from college before I'm off to Brockway to wrestle for another 2 days.  That is something I'm worrying about.  I really don't want to go to Brockway on a losing streak.  I just wrestled like shit this Wednesday and have to wrestle Canon MacMillan soon.  That match is going to be hard.  A win is definitely against the odds but I have to keep my head up and do my best I guess.  I'm hoping for a win or at least a well wrestled match.  I need something to pick up my motivation for the rest of the season. 

That is one thing I worry about.  Losing my interest in wreslting prematurely.  If I do well, I'll stay interested and always be motivated to go to practice and work harder.  If I do poorly though, I don't want to show my face.  I feel embarrassed and want to hide, but I have to show up to school the next day with a loss still on my shoulders.  I'm 5-2 right now and I don't want my record to drop below .500 at all this year.  The schedule we have will make it kinda tough though.  My goal is 20 wins by the end of the year.  I'd prefer to have even more, but 20 is the goal.  That would make my senior year I think.  At least for sports.  I screwed up during cross country getting an underage and not having the opportunity to run at tri states and prove myself, so this is my second chance.  This is why I take losses so hard.  They are just a step back in my development as one of the best wrestlers in the section and hopefully WPIAL.  I have until February to hit my goal, but if I don't... It'll just be more disappointment on myself.

The Best Days One Could Ask For

It is tough to choose just a memory in your life to write about.  Especially when there are two weeks in your life that will live in your heart and mind forever.  The first was my trip to Germany.  I went ot a foreign country with a large group of my friends and a few others.  The significance of this trip was the friendships I have developed.  Both Frau Zanella and Laura Victorelli have become two very important people in my life since this trip.  They hold a very special place.  The other week was my most recent vacatoin to the beach.  I feel like I'm going to write about this one. This week was the greatest week of my life.  This summer, Bret Grady, Tanner Cogar, and I got to go to the Outer Banks for a whole week.  Families were there but, we had a house all to ourselves.  It was cool as hell.  We were free from life for a week.  There were no rules, no worries, and no drama.  Just three boys hanging out on the beach taking a break from life.  We arrived and just pretty much our lives instantly got better.  The house was perfect.  Right on the beach, a perfect view, and close to the other family’s house in case we wanted food.  We arrived in the morning so we already had a day to ourselves.  We ate, drank, swam, walked, drove, ate, shopped, and plenty more in the hours we were given.  We weren’t able to meet anyone on the first night, but it was quite the memorable one.  The next morning I was able to get up at like 8 AM.  My usual wake up time no matter what.  Bret and Tanner were still out cold so I figured I’d just hang out on the porch.  I sat there with my donut and saw two girls about my age walking across the beach and thought to myself: “wow, Bret and Tanner would absolutely love me if I pulled this off.”  I ran downstairs, filled my red cup with my orange-pineapple juice mix and rushed to the beach.  My natural confidence gave me the talent to be able to draw attention by generally just running and screaming at them.  I got their names, locations, and numbers and asked them what they were doing.  They said they were going tanning.  I picked up that was a lie.  It was a cloudy day for the most part.  At that point they admitted they saw Tanner, Bret, and myself swimming in the ocean the day before and were trying to find us again.  They then asked if I knew who both of them were.  I said we were living together in our own house and I showed them the way.  Bret and Tanner woke up to two girls in our living room waiting to meet them.  They are so lucky I wake up early.  The week went on and just more and more happened.  Nothing huge but everything was fun and memorable.  We continued our routine, met more people, and made friends throughout the trip.  Tanner was our biggest attraction because he was missing a huge bit of his skin from football the week before.  That was a big conversation starter (I kept saying he survived a house fire).  We also met the next teen pop star and Dairy Queen when we went for our daily chili dog and ice cream.  The kid was nuts and so good.  There are so many memories on this trip that I would live again in a heartbeat.  All of us hanging out with my parents at like 9pm singing Elton John   and Tom Petty or just driving around finding something to do.  Eating chili dogs, shopping for orange juice every day, and making friends.  It was the perfect week to experience with my boys.  A week I would live again any day.

Back to the Dungeon

Well, I recieved another inschool  suspension.  Pissed.  I can't say I do not agree why I recieved it, but I dont believe my peers or I should have been prosecuted for the reasoning given.  Mrs Hartman does not have the ability to control her own class.  That being said, she tries to point the finger at other students being a burden.  I personally was sitting at an empty unused computer editing and revising my script for this class.  I'm not sure what Dylan was doing, but he did not to be a burden.  Some people I understand though, and this is why I am in trouble.  Travis, Bobby, and Tommy were the ones to be causing a lot of the problems.  Throwing crayons, talking to other students in Mrs Hartman's class, and causing disruption throughout the class period.  Tommy was initially on the pass and wrote my name and Travis' to the pass.  Therefore he was actually the one to forge the passes giving me and Travis an in school suspension.  I'm not going to complain though.  It could be a lot worse.  On a brighter note, I'm not going to be tempted by food throughout the day as I will be sitting in a nice little room with all my falsely accused buds.  It'll be a decent day I hope. I'll just sit back and chilll for like 8 hours, and go get my wrestling swag on later that night.  A good day I believe a good day.  Like I said.  No hate for the Denk Tank.  He was merely doing his job.  There is a lot of frustration for Mrs Hartman, Trav, Bob, and Tom though.  If she could control her class she would not have had to blame us, and if those three could have behaved like seniors, none of us would be in this mess.  All good in the hood.

Feelin Like A Champ

Damn these past 2 days have been awesome.  Yesterday I made weight and won both my matches in the wrestle off.  Now today, 2nd period creative writing, my team crushed every other team in the cup stacking competition.  Our team chemistry was just too clutch.  This group has been sitting together like all year and it showed we were capable of dominating the rest of the class.  I've been sitting next to the real T Graz all year and I've been around Frankowski and Breeze for a good bit.  Hurey surprised me.  I thought she'd be pretty useless to the class.  She still owes Denk 50 push ups.  Brent Killen was a clutch performer.  Actually all of us were clutch.  We didn't have a perfect performance getting a penalty in the end, but we still crushed the competition.  I'd take this crew to war with me.  We'd take down any army with our perfect strategical maneuvers.  We were a well oiled machine.  It shows how important knowing your players is to success.  If we were all strangers we would never know each other's strengths and weaknesses.  We were fortunate to not have anyone added to our group as well.  That kept the outsiders from messin with our mojo.  I think thats why Laura's group failed.  The addition of Spencer and Jackie messed with the team chemistry as they are not staples in the group.  I thought the true competition would be Nick, Aaron, Bonjo, Dalton, Wes, and Chelsey.  I was wrong though as they were the worst group.  I think its due to the fact theres always a bit of a heated tension between the football players always cracking jokes at each other.  At game time theyre a family.  But off the field, some are strangers to others.  Thats what's great about this team.  We dont grow tired of each other but we're all still boys and knows who eachother are.  A solid group.  I like this table.  I dont think I'd replace anyone here.